Last night I decided to try something that I haven't done in years. I started keeping a journal of my rationalities and thoughts. There's a slight twist to it, though. Instead of keeping with the format of [insert date here] "Today...blah blah blah", its more of a stream of consciousness type deal.
I know my brain more than anyone else in the world. I know what drives me day in and day out. I know why I do certain things and I always know my intentions behind them. There is no escaping yourself. Late last night, while brooding about missing Robin and being frustrated with work, I was sitting here listening to Alkaline Trio and chain-smoking (obviously). I wasn't really doing anything beyond that. I felt like a waste of space, a shell of productivity. So, I grabbed my journal and let the ink flow.
I wrote like a madman in between gulps of beer and pulls off of my cigarette. I had music playing and I didn't try to sugarcoat anything I put down on paper. It was the first time I can really say I was completely honest in my writing. Because it's not meant for others to read, it allows me to get some shit off my chest. It wound of being a very cathartic idea. I might not even go back and reread any of it, but the fact that I tuned myself into myself was well worth it.
In doing so, it feels like a weight has been lifted. Not entirely, mind you, but enough to keep it up. By taking my own advice, other realizations came to be. All positive things. It felt really good to just sit and write without concentrating on being too verbose or too melodramatic. I put my thoughts and ideas down as I saw them in that very moment. I kept the playlist short and sweet: "Goddamnit" (Alkaline Trio), "Hospitals" (Off With Their Heads) and "Perfect's Gonna Fail" (The Gateway District).
After that I got in some semi-decent sleep (although it was induced by drinking a six-pack of tallboys) and woke up today with plans for writing and publishing projects.
I finally got both issues of "Earn Your Sleep" reprinted, packaged and mailed to Sean Carswell and Keith Rosson. I was a bit rusty with the copiers at Fedex, but I eventually got the hang of it again. It felt good to be doing that again. I love the fact that when I had mentioned to the both of them that I am a zine-writer myself, they immediately wanted copies and gave me their home addresses.
That's the kind of networking that self-publication and DIY writing can do, folks. These are kindred spirits with whom I share the passion of creating, publishing and writing with no stigmas attached. It broadens your horizons as far as pushing your own creativity to the limits and it also allows you to take notes on how your inspirations drive you. I am very excited to get feedback from the both of them.
Frankie finally took my and Robin's advice and started writing his own blog. He claims to not be a writer, but he wants his voice heard. I think, beyond all, that that is the absolute best reason to write. I had mentioned this before, but its something that you do because you need to. I am excited to see how he utilizes his new-found avenue of creativity.
Today, I also received the results of my cat scan that I had got done a week ago. There is no sinus disease or anything of the sort. It appears that my nasal tissue is fucked up and, because of allergies, I have a deviated left septum. I got a prescription for Flonase that I am supposed to take once every 24 hours. That's the treatment for this time. If it winds up not working, there is a surgical procedure that I can have done to take care of the problem. Apparently, it's a very common occurence. I'm just still keeping hope that one day soon I can have these symptoms alleviated.
Although I haven't even been awake for six hours today, it's been quite a productive day. Time to shut myself off from the outside world for the rest of the day.